Dumb

That’s exactly what I am.

I waste time lying down in bed, watching YouTube videos instead of actually doing the homework due tomorrow.
I promised myself to stop procrastinating this year but I realize that I won’t be able to do so.

I have wonderful and intelligent parents. But they’re always too busy to care about me. Sure, they still feed me and give me my allowance but I can’t study with them anymore because apparently work is more important than their own children’s education.

“Can’t you learn at school?” Well, yes I do learn at school. I just can’t understand how everyone else in class already gets the hang of this and I haven’t even grasped anything.
They have reached the bottom of the sea, treasure everywhere. And me? I’m still fishing at the surface.

Does it even bother you how fast the school days are? I thought high school would last forever but now it’s almost February and I haven’t understood one bit of whatever school has teached me this 2nd semester.

I get a dispensation for a day, then the next freaking week I suddenly have a Trigonometry pop quiz??? hOW IS THAT EVEN ACCEPTABLE.
Like, yes I actually did study at home but duh you can’t expect me to be able to already remember the trigonometry table by heart, I just found out that we were going to have this stupid test like 3 days before the test WELL THANKS A LOT.
Yeah, I thought that I could get a head start but I already lost the battle before even getting to pick up my weapon.

Then, the Chemistry test. See, I was sick last Monday (it wasn’t how I wanted it to be but tbh my headache was at the highest point last week) and I missed Karate practice, and nonsense Cinematography (heck all they did was watch another class’ movie for 2 hours) and most importantly, 4 hours of Chemistry.
Since my mother is a Chemistry teacher in University I guess I can’t let her down BUT

I honestly don’t understand anything like?
How the heck is:
Fe2O2 + 3CO → 2Fe + 3CO2
WHERE DOES ALL OF THOSE NUMBERS COME FROM and

guess what

my mother is going on a “work” trip to Bali for 5 days and I’m pretty much stuck here to study on my own.

Sure, I can can’t study on my own. Fine, have a nice trip, mom. You need 5 days away from your annoying/dumb daughter.

And I actually asked her to help me but she was “too busy” packing for the 5 day trip to the perfectly good Bali. Then, as I were about to go out of her room, she asked me “what did you want to ask about?”

Late.

I just can’t stand it. I asked her to help me before but she replies like 10 lightyears after that. How?????????/

And you used to be the 1st rank in school?

That really makes my spirit for learning drop down. She knows I can’t study on my own, I can’t study watching YouTube tutor vids (which makes me sleepy all the time), I can’t and never want to go to tuitions AGAIN, yet she never has time to teach me.

I just hate how they want me to be succesful and at least be in the top 10 ranks JUST LIKE THEM but you know what?

RANKS AND SCORES ARE JUST NUMBERS.

and you know what else is “just numbers”?

MONEY.

TIME.

those two things that are essential yet ruining my life.

I DON’T NEED MY PARENTS MONEY.
I NEED THEIR TIME AND LOVE.

yet they assume that me and my siblings getting a good score and being accepted in the best universities gets us a better chance in jobs and then opens opportunities in the future, but?

I totally disagree. I hate being forced into a mould that I don’t fit in. Like a puzzle piece that’s in the wrong place.

I don’t care about salary, or how cool my job is.

I only care about my happiness, how I can be helpful for my country, and how I can maintain my relationship with my future husband and children.

Who’d work from 7am – 10pm for a salary that’s just a-okay but will never have time to help their children?

“Just send me the questions via WhatsApp”

And you’re already smart enough to just do answer them via chat? I CAN’T STUDY LIKE THAT

That’s torture. Living the dream of your life, teaching Chemistry and whatnot yet having to arrive home late at night when your children are already fast asleep.

You can’t even kiss them goodnight, since your legs are too tired to climb up the stairs that separate our rooms.

A mother should not be like that. I hate it.

I never want to be like you. That’s why I never want to get good grades in school. I don’t care about anything anymore.
I’m scared that I’ll turn into someone that I’ll regret for my whole life.

I want to stay at home, take care of my kids, and love them more. I want them to learn how to love themselves and find their own destinations.
I don’t care if they fail? Everyone fails!

I just don’t want to repeat the same mistake you did.

I don’t want myself to be more dumb than I already am now.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s