Scared to move on. 

I shouldn’t be, but I am.

Last year I was in an organization in my housing complex’s mosque. It all went fine; I went to the lectures every Saturday night, I celebrated the Islamic holidays with them, and had many memories. But that all stopped when I went home late because of a meeting talking about an event that we were creating.

Of course, my mom was worried sick despite us living in that area and going home from the mosque was only a 100m walk. I’ve never seen her as angry as that, and she also reported to the moms group chat. Embarassingly true.

I never understood why she was mad because I felt that it was good that I was in an organization, especially one in a mosque thus making me a more diligent muslim to actually pray there.
My mom was also in an organization like that when she was a teenager, with my dad being the head of said organization. It just doesn’t make sense to me.

Then my grades didn’t improve much and I had a time crisis. I wasn’t able to make a good schedule to rely on. I could set priorities but they end up being done a day before or even the night before. Procrastination much?
After trying to start again new, I had to ditch the organization’s events and focus on studying.

Not to say that I’m too lazy to go outside and walk to the mosque, I just catch myself doing a lot of things and I can’t go there (like I said I have a messy schedule that never works as I planned) and I’m like a puzzle piece that doesn’t fit.

I never felt like I could be in there anyway.

Everyone is so kind and accepting. I’m just the anti-social freak. I try to be social, but then again my introvert side wins the battle of my indecisive heart.

I first joined because my best friend asked me to and I couldn’t say no. Then some other annoying people asked “why is she here?” and really hated my existence. But they ended up leaving the organization before I did (not to say that I officially have, I’m not sure what my status is now. probably hiatus)

Now I’m here, scared to move on. By meeting them again, I’d make a big move and could live a better life. And by hiding at home I just can’t achieve anything good.
But I’m still scared after all.


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